The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
