I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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