College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
