I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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