a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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