according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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