last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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