You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
