Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
