she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
