I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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