even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
