I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
