i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
