tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
