Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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