She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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