Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
