i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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