She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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