***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
