White coat. Heels.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
