Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
