I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
