found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
