I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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