Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
