i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
