I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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