I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
