Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
