i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
