i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
