Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
