"it" just moved
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Too much gin, very little bucket
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
