I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
