I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
