"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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