he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
