It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
