I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
