I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
