He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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