Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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