I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
