I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
