those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
