You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Text me some of your sweat
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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