Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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