life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
