Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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