May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i think i have two assholes
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
