I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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