Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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