Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Randomize
